The science of online dating

I'm 27, have a good secure job which I enjoy, great family and close group of friends, and live in a city which has everything to offer.  But there's one thing I'm missing.  A partner.  I split up from my ex earlier this year and I've been looking for Miss. Right since.  In my quest for the future Mrs. S. I registered with an online dating company (something that I imagine a lot of people on there thought they would never do).  When I logged on for the first time this week to update my profile I struggled for over an hour to write something interesting about myself, and something that would intrigue girls who click onto my profile.  How or where do you even start to write about yourself as a person in a profile?  It is difficult as we are not deducible to 2-dimentional profiles; therefore, it can be testing to portray who we really are.

I had a look at the competition and all the guys used the same generic adjectives and phrases.

                'I like cooking and an excellent cook...'

                ''Regularly go to the gym and play sports...'

                'I'm laid back and can get along with very much anyone'

                'I'm an independent, confident and positive person...'

                ''...funny and a great friend to have.'

But it’s not just the guys – a lot of girls used similar sentences:

                ''I love my family and my friends...'

                ''...funny and passionate in everything I do in life and work'

                ''...open minded and love travelling'

                'I am self-sufficient, independent, and honest'

               ''I'm someone who would describe themself as unique in one sense...'

If you took away photos and any references to gender in the profiles you would struggle to tell whether the sentences described either an eligible bachelor or lady.

Online dating is like going to the supermarket – you look and examine what is on the shelf before choosing what you want based on the look and feel of what is on offer.  I look at the girls profiles and I am judging them on their appearance.  If they look nice I then read what they have to say about themselves.  This is how men work – we are shallow creatures!

The photo plays a very important role.  A nice smile (why don’t more people smile in photos?) and being appropriately dressed will attract more interest as the person will come across as more genuine and confident – and we all know confidence is sexy.  I am surprised to see so many guys getting this wrong.  Boys (I use the term ‘boys’ here as they are not mature enough to deserve the word ‘men’): women DO NOT want to see photos to you topless, looking drunk, pulling silly faces or wearing sunglasses (girls can tell a lot from looking into someone’s eyes).  Be original.  Why not put a photo of yourself with your friends (with your friends cut out, obviously, so girls know which one is you) or a nice outdoor shot of you in a park, festival or camping, as these outdoorsy/motion shots give an insight into your everyday personality. (I won't go into the issues I've had uploading my photos on an Asian dating site!)

On to the actual text of the profile, how do we know what we are reading about the other person is true?

The generic descriptors are easier (e.g. height, occupation, personality etc.) but many exaggerate online – guys will make themselves taller, and girls slimmer.  It’s not just the generic descriptors where people exaggerate.  We are all competing with each other to attract someone from the opposite sex so we will say stuff like “regularly play sport and cook” to give the illusion we are fit and strong when in actual fact “regularly” may mean “once a week.”  The Asian 'meathead' who spends most of the time at the gym or with the boys drinking sharabi (alcohol) may say he is “smart and well read” to attract a lady who his parents would be proud off, but the only thing he could talk to you about is the number of calories in a KFC Bucket or McDonalds Happy Meal!  His profile fails to inform the reader he has no interest in her career and is easily jealous of her success, and would not be able to enlighten or engage her in a discussion on different cultures or topical news because he is not as “smart and well read” as stated.

When writing your online profile it is important to be as honest as possible about yourself, your interests and what you are looking for, and you will attract the right person for you.

How does online dating affect the physiological process of getting to know a partner?

Matching your personality and values is difficult online as you are just looking at the words the user has written.  The personality questions (e.g. how much do you enjoy the arts; how often do you watch film/television; do you like the the outdoors; what's your favourite sport; how religious are you) on Single Solutions or AsianD8 or the algorithm sites (e.g. E-Harmony or Shaadi) claim they offer something different.  They try and deduce from what you have answered to be able to find your perfect match.  They may well introduce you to someone of similar interests but meeting someone of similar interests does not mean you will necessarily be compatible or result in a long term relationship.  It is very intuitive that these things matter but what also matters is that the two people click on other levels.  It is important that if you think you have met someone with similar interests and personality to yourself from the online profile (virtual world) that you meet up quickly offline (real world) and make your own judgement.

Does the internet offer more than traditional dating (e.g. meeting at a bar, going to an event, through introductions by family or friends)?

In our busy everyday life it gives men and women more choice and opportunities to meet a perspective partner.  The approach taken by men and women online is different.  Some boys will fire off the same generic message to all the women because he wants to keep his options open and, quite often, he won’t know what he wants.  Boys: please grow up, decide what you want before you make a move and be more tactful as women are constantly bombarded with messages.  Women are more selective as they are looking for someone who will not only be a good partner and companion, but also get on with her family and friends and is mature and emotionally astute.

What did I write on my profile in the end?  You are going to have to search and find out for yourself…

Is there life out there?

We do not know how life started on Earth so we do not know how likely there will be life on another planet.  This is one of the greatest questions of all and scientists and Jo Public alike want to know the answer.

When early Greek and Arabic astrologers studied outer space, some believed beyond Earth was the realms of the Gods, whereas others (like Ptolemy and Galileo) felt the universe had an abundance of life.  Epicurus was adamant there was an entire civilisation within our reach.

The current discussion begins with a look at what is life and where it (may have) began?

When a meteorite from Mars was found on Antarctica in 1979 which contained trapped gas it gave us a one-to-one match of the atmosphere of Mars.  The martian rock contained things within it which was deposited from water and that water contained organic matter.  This organic matter was assessed to be indigenous to the rock which had similarities to the beginning of life as seen on Earth.  Another rock was found to have contained a fossil although some argued this was contaminated when it landed on Earth; thus not seen as extraordinary.

Pillinger’s Beagle 2 project was set up to collect a piece of rock from Mars, conceal it and bring it back to detect residues that would have the remnants of organisms that once lived there (or are still living there); unfortunately we all know what happened to Beagle 2.

There probably are other planets out there teeming with life, some perhaps more advanced than us (or less depending on how you measure this).  If we do find life on Mars, was it a meteorite from Mars hitting Earth that spurred life here or was it just a natural evolution of our planet in relation to the Sun and the wider universe?

Just like Darwin who went to a different part of the planet and compared and contrasted two life islands, we need to directly compare and contrast elements from two different planets.

If there was life out there and they were looking at us, what would they see?

If an alien was out there looking at us from 50million light years away they would first be drawn to the sun and see they as an ordinary bright star.  The Earth would be a “pale blue dot” and the aliens would see the pale blue dot as different shades depending on the angle of the Atlantic or Pacific oceans and infer a lot by the climate and we will be doing that in twenty years’ time to other planets.

The Kepler spacecraft will use techniques that look for transits, the idea here that when a planet moves in front of a star, the star will dim slightly.  If an Earth-like planet moved in front of a Sun like star, the star would dim by 1 part in 10,000.  We assess the Kepler spacecraft will find many planets no bigger than our Earth.

Analysing outer space is tricky and expensive.  Some would argue we are at the end of our great space explorations but astronomer will believe that because we know very well how our Sun is going to evolve.  Our sun is less than half way through its life (it has been shining for four and a half billion years) and it will shine for another billion years before it flairs up and engulfs the planets.  The universe will go on expanding forever until it goes cold and empty (ten to hundred million years) – there is a lot more future ahead of us than the past.  Any creature witnessing the death of the sun or making contact with an alien life may not be like us.  They will be as different to us as we are to a bug.  There is time for evolution on Earth in the post human era as Darwin realised that there is time ahead and there will be evolution – this may not be on a natural timescale but on a technological timescale that we will control.

Darwin has told us how simple life evolved in into our biosphere but we need to understand how life actually got started.  This will give us clues and understandings if it has happened in other solar systems or a rare fluke, and assist in finding out whether there is (and where) life is out there.

The joy of travelling

Over the past years there has been a large increase in people travelling to far-away places for work, holidays and to discover themselves.  Travelling to both hot and cold climates or to the northern and southern hemispheres can be eye opening.  You can learn more about yourself as well as how other people live and experience different opportunities.

Travelling is not a new thing.  The Greeks would travel extensively to parts of Africa and Asia, partly for trade but also to develop and learn new things that they could take back with them.  For example, they would learn about the diverse native herbs and vegetation and the different animals that lived there, and understand how different medicine and new science can effect life, and bring these new ideas back home with them.  The Empires of the past understood the importance of travelling and getting the breadth and perspective of different ideas and learning and getting inspiration from others who gave a different perspective on theories.

Life varies extensively from country-to-country, continent-to-continent, not just from town to cities.  The Seychelles and Somalia are approximately 1,500 kilometres apart but have an amazing breadth of culture that if you visited you would not think you were on the same planet, let alone same region.  In India you have a lot of black Africans who live in the south and are decedents of black Africans who came over centuries ago as salves and warriors.  This legacy is still seen today and they consider themselves Indian.  These are the subtle but also striking observations that you learn from travelling.

Another reason for the joy of travelling is to witness stuff that is on the decline.  There are vast amounts of forests in Madagascar and South America that is being deforested as humans have expanded their manmade boundaries.  This has resulted in more and more people wanting to travel to these parts of the world, not only to see rare and unique creatures and wildlife but to assist in countering the destruction we are doing to Mother Nature.

We are not just destroying forests and natural wildlife because of globalisation but also because of growing vaccinations and the exploding population.  Forests and land are not just being taken over by large corporations wanting to buy it for investment but also by local people clearing the land for agriculture and their family to live on.  We are also desperate to take advantage of resources at our local disposable.  This is why pirates off the Somali coast, in the Indian Ocean, want to protect their fish for themselves rather than see large Chinese and American merchants fish for them who in their eyes, are effectively stealing what they believe belongs to them.

Twenty to thirty years ago people wanted a nice holiday in Spain and sit on a beach.  Now scores of people are travelling to more exotic faraway places, not just to relax and visit museums but to meet people.  And it is the people that make the place what it is.  One of the joys about travelling is meeting people.  The mundane detail of everyday life is very poetic.  When I have been to India, seeing the people in the market decide which fabric to buy for the sari, discussing religion over chai on the side of the road or bartering over the price of vegetables were often the most revealing.

The ability to understand another person’s language and there life makes it far more interesting and enjoyable and brings the experience more to life.  That feeling of connection makes it more interesting and easier to convey to others.  Speaking the language also gives you far more opportunities to connect and learn more about the people, the sites and the history.

I have not travelled as much as I would have liked (but that is changing) but I know if I had not been to India or visited parts of Europe, writing and talking about those places would not be as easy if I had just seen it on television or read it in a book.  I have friends who have worked to South East Asia, travelled to Africa and lived in South America, and when sharing stories about their experiences it is not just a 2-dimentional narrative of what they did.  What I have loved and become overwhelmed by is there descriptive narrative of what they smelt and how it made them feel which makes it more enjoyable.  This is not just for me to hear but also for themselves in reminiscing their experience.

It is difficult to write and share with others about a place if you have not experienced it.  If you have not experienced living in a make-shift tent in the middle of the desert in Africa or on a beach hut in Thailand it is difficult for you to really understand what it is like for the people who have to live in those conditions all the time to feel.  It increases the admiration for the people.

What is the driving force for people to travel?  To begin with, it is often the experience and the romantic view we have of our wonderful world.  As a boy I was a young adventurer and would ride my bike around the villages, and now I plan to take it further by spending time in Australia, New Zealand and the Pacific Islands.

Nowadays you do not need a lot of money to travel and people see this as a challenge.  When I go Down Under I would like to spend time in an indigenous part of Australia and live like the locals who do not need a lot of money to survive as they hunt and gather their food themselves.  These local people do not see their environment as a threat, rather they see it as their home and they will teach others how to survive in those conditions.

It is one thing looking at friend’s holiday snaps but it is completely different going and experiencing this for ourselves.  The intensity of having been there makes people want to go back and experience more.  Cutting out other people’s perceptions of places is good; and building your own views and perception of it and exposing yourself to these environments and react like a human being make people stronger and wiser.

Travelling is the fasted way of developing and acquiring yourself.  By learning and making your own experience will stick with you for the rest of your life and you can share this with your family and friends.  You are not going to get the same level of intense experience from television or from a book, no matter how good the programme is but at least it will spur you on.  When you are on holiday you are relying on your animal senses (smell, sight, instinct) as this alien environment is testing you.

Travelling is exciting.